March 8th, 2008

First Person Review: Stay Alive

First Person Review

I’ve done some of these first person reviews in the past. Basically, I don’t have the mental energy to write traditional movie reviews. Instead, I pick a character or thing from the movie and write a review from that perspective. This one’s for Stay Alive.

- “Dude, so you play this video game and, like, you die.”
- “And I should care why exactly? I mean, dude, I died, like, twice yesterday playin’ Halo.”
- “Dude, are you listening? You, like, die. Not your character. You dude. Fucking dead.”
- “No shit? That’s kinda cool I guess. Like, I actually die. Me?”
- “Yeah. You.”
- “Cool.”
- “Fuck yeah huh?”
- “How’s it work?”
- “Fuck if I know. You die dude. Some evil bitch kills you. It works good. Blood and screamin’ and shit.”
- “Is it Martha Steward?”
- “Huh?”
- “Is Martha Stewart the evil bich that hacks you up?”
- “Dude, come on man. Martha Stewart. You’d, like, rip her balls off.”
- “Yeah. Probably. Unless she had, like, flaming nipples or something.”
- “Or something? What’s wrong with you dude.”
- “Nothing that you can’t relate to.”
- “So you wanna play?”

- “Sure, but, like, assuming this is true and all, like, maybe it’s cool and shit, but I’m not sure I want to die, like, die exactly.”
- “Who does? It’s a fucking game though.”
- “But you die?”
- “Yeah.”
- “How many lives do you get?”
- “Are you a Buddhist?”
- “No.”
- “One.”
- “What if I say I’m a Buddhist?”
- “But you’re not.”
- “But if I say I am?”
- “Dude, I don’t know. This is gettin’ existential man. You, like, die. It’s a Catholic game okay.”
- “Really? Does it have, like, girls in those uniforms and shit.”
- “Sure, man. They’ll blow you if you win.”
- “No shit? Like, for real.”
- “I don’t fuckin’ know dude. You die. That’s all I know. So do you want to die or not?”
- “Sure, not like I’m doing anything today anyway.”
- “Cool.”

Personal Observations

Let’s be clear up front, this movie will never be included in the pantheon of classic horror movies. I’m not sure it could make it into the bargain bin at Super Eddy’s Discount Emporium. With that said, it’s not as bad as you might expect. It sucks pretty good, but I’m down with crappy movies. I watch a lot of them. You should too or risk becoming a movie elitist.

You know the type. Wes Anderson is their God. Paul Thomas Anderson gives them a hard on. These are wonderful directors no doubt, but watch shitty movies. You’ll end up liking some. It brings you down to earth. Whenever folks start debating classic movies I’m always sure to mention my fondness for The Core. It’s a bullshit detector cause if they can’t bring themselves to lay down some shit movie they loved then you’ll know you’re hanging with the snobs.

My advice concerning Stay Alive, don’t bother renting it, and if you do don’t tell anyone you did. This is a movie you watch when you’re home alone, picking your toes, and there it is on Starz. So you watch it. If you take proactive measures to include this film into your life you’ll be ridiculed for it. And rightfully so. However, if it’s just something you caught in passing that’s an acceptable compromise.

Link to Metacritic Info: Stay Alive