Get Lost in My Mind
posted by Amos on Friday, October 5th 2007
So I’ve been submerged in a chaotic obsession for the past two days, and just now snapped out of it. I was walking down to the boathouse with an obscenely large mug of hot coffee in one hand, and a Coke with ice in the other, and caught myself alternating sips from each beverage. You know, what the fuck am I doing?
I’m not sure I can answer the question, but these descents into unfocused creation happen from time to time. It’s not manic-depressive behavior. I’m about as far away from manic-depressive as one can get. It’s all internal. If you followed me around during one of these periods there would be no noticeable difference in my outward behavior.
It’s sorta like my mind detaches from my body, and I get lost, elsewhere. I’ll write reams of poetry, or short fiction, none of which have any purpose or goal, just random, unconnected pieces of text. I’ll dive into Wordpress, and start throwing code around. Create a site, trash it, create another, trash it. I’ll walk around the pond, and talk out a screenplay, or novel, and then purposefully forget what it was. You know, that was okay. What’s next?
It’s not crazy. I’m totally lucid and aware of reality. It’s just sorta like I’m bored so I jump into another place. I think it’s depression, but whatever. I’m not particularly concerned with labeling it, or laying down a lengthy explanation for my occasionally erratic mind. I would like to learn how to focus myself in times like these. There’s a degree of nonchalance about product and goal that I need to work on. It’s all process. It’s like filling up the wastebasket with crumpled pieces of paper is the goal. That’s a good sign, piles of discarded stories and poems.
I don’t know, but this is the first time in two days I’ve remembered there’s a world outside my head. So here I am. Suppose it’s time to start digging through the 700+ items piled up in the RSS reader, and start answering the email. Back to the world on the outside.
Post Tags: existential + mind + personal + Weblog // Subscribe // Bookmark
Skufflenooge
October 5th 2007 - 4:26pm
I commented on an older post, but check it out. It’s about your theme. It’s really hard to read on macs. The right margin gets all scerwy and I can’t see the ends of your lines, which makes reading a bit challenging. Not that I’m afraid of a challange. I once didn’t say the word “the” for 16 hours.
Anyway, good luck, love the blog
check out mine.
blog.cellfish.com
Skufflenooge
October 5th 2007 - 4:34pm
Hey I have one more question…. Why the ‘88 new york giants. They seemed like a nice enough team. Phil McKonky! I mean the guy’s name was Mckonky for cryin’ out loud. Was ‘88 just a crappy year and you’re blaming it on my Giants, or did they do something obad? JJust a question?
Bull3t
October 5th 2007 - 7:32pm
Wow, that is a strange post. Very insightful nonetheless. Thanks for sharing this with us though.
azureone
October 9th 2007 - 5:29am
Hey,
Interesting site. Getting lost in your mind is a good thing. You could have bipolar or not. Either way you wouldn’t be crazy. You could have a slight manic period and be completely lucid. I think you should worry less about categorizing or defending these ‘breaks’ or periods ‘lost in your mind’ and look at the outcomes or products from these periods. It sounds like they are helpful and creative times. My advise would be to be happy about them for what they are and forget about the ‘why’ and the ‘what.’
Everyone needs a nice place to get lost…most have to go look for it
A.M. Griffin
October 10th 2007 - 8:32am
Skufflenoogle - Thanks for the heads up. I’ll have to check that out. It looks fine on my Mac, but it may have something to do with text resizing, like are you viewing the site at your browser’s default settings or did you bump up the text size? As for the 88 Giants I was expecting a Super Bowl. It was a disappointing team to me, being a lifelong Giants fan.
Bull3t - Thanks. It is kinda strange huh. I don’t often write very personal posts, but I was hoping this might help move me along some. Glad you were able to catch some insight out of it though. And I really appreciate you taking the time to comment.
Azureone - Agreed. It’s not so much that they occur every now and then. It’s that I’ve never been good at focusing them. So any creative output during these times is usually forgotten or discarded. It is what it is, but I’d like to practice or learn how to better focus these periods. And like you said, everyone needs a nice place to get lost in. I don’t look back at them in regret so much, just kinda wasted opportunities.